Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.