<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.