*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
He wanted to make sure😂
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”