@OakHill_

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

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@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@buttgh0st

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

@ProdigyNelson

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

@EamonToPlease

[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I
I wish I had one of those.

HER DAD
They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

@TheAlexNevil

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

@squidswards

Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep.

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@causticbob

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.