*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
True.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half