Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*