Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

there’s probably a fee though

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!