Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

I’m literally crying

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.