Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
🤯🤯🤯
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.