Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.