Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Mhm.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”