*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Challenge accepted.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
