*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Huge”.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
