*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*pronounces patio like ratio
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
