Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always.

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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Well well well…

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.