Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”