Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

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Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.


I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans


*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”


“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church


If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.