Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Breaking news:
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”