Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.