Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

True.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

trivia

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries