Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier