*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
What do you text your spouse?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
