*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
can’t talk my ride’s here
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
