Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

this is the best day of my life

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

😂🍻

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.