Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?