Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Encore…

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

here we go again

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.