*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
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“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
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Joker: Dead mom?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
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Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
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Finally!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”