*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Cucumbers Anonymous
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*