*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
You Might Also Like
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.