Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets