Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

this is a sign that you need a union

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later