*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands