Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

Running from your problems is cardio .

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.