Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Is this you?

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂