*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.