Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.