Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.