[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Safety first
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Lmbo
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.