Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1067629293792940032/pu/vid/720x1280/xBb1In5ui4ycmtq6.mp4?tag=5

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.