Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I cannot call her anything else now

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

That earthquake could have been an email.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried