Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me: