Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Cold.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure