Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

It be like that sometimes 😆

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.