Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Warm pools make me nervous.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

My life in a nutshell

Spoiler Alert: I was late

I have taken up painting

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.