Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.