Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

gender is a sprctrum

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it