Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
How to draw a duck
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.