Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.