Doormats are a gateway rug.
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Please do it!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.