Doormats are a gateway rug.
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”