Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

#NoRestForTheWicked

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

How I like cutting carbs

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.