Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.