Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”