Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Wow 🤣

I remember when things only cost an arm.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you