Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

“Huge”.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

ㅤ

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho