Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
same but as an audience member
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.