Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*