Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
You Might Also Like
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple