Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is


Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.


Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.


If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.


Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.


Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*


“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”