@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

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@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

@Crutnacker

Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.

@GrumpyComments

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@KKAlThani

If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@eXentRic_

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

@AdamGrinchyPoo

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”