Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.