Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”