Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now