Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.