dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.