Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

This might be me.
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