dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.