dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
All. The. Damn. Time.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
gentlemen, hear me out
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.