Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.