Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
reduce, reuse, recycle
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.