Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

forgive me baja for i have blast

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

This could be us but you eatin’

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.