Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Gross if literal…Liverpool

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.