Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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This could be us but you eatin’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.