Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.