Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
