Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.